Give yourself permission

I have been totally stuck! Yep, spiraling and giving into every single distraction under the sun and overthinking and overwhelming myself to oblivion, I’m really good at that you know…

But when I created this page, I had in mind to be a place where I can just be me, raw, and share the real journey in hope that people would relate and feel better about themselves or not alone at least. Because I know I am not alone! I know that deep down majority of us are here not only trying to survive but deep down trying to make the best of it.

Then I catch myself starting and stopping, then starting, then stopping… “Who’s gonna read this crap?”, “Doesn’t even make sense”, “Who cares that you’re overwhelmed… we all are, where’s the value here?”, “We are all busy, no one has time for your ramble”.

Now, imagine thinking and overthinking every damn step you take in your life, every task, every action, reactions, possibilities, people’s potential perceptions, outcomes, what will you do in every scenario, but not only for plan A, but for B and C as well and of course always be prepared for the worst possible scenario… Again, pretty sure I’m not alone here.

So, I’ve been trying to do the logical, which is – practice what I’m learning. And that is the real challenge. Going through life and taking the hits, wishing for more or better, “trying” our best while just plugging along inside our comfort zones its what we do and have been doing, and as hard or painful as it is, we are used to it, so we take it!

It’s painful because it means dropping balls, letting go of control, having to sit still and be ok with not responding to a message, or arriving late at work, or missing an event at the kids’ school, or even dropping them off on pajamas one day because you decided that day you would not scream and yell and then have a panic attack and feel like a bad mom for traumatizing your kids and wanting to quit,  because now you’re dropping them off at school and everyone’s day is shitty. They have been crying, you’re crying, but you need to look composed and presentable for your first meeting of the day, while you repeat to yourself – “It’s just too fucking much! That’s not what I signed up for!”

It’s also painful because you have to sit still and let go of the flip side, after all you’re the single mom dropping your kid off on his pajamas and you can hear some of the snooty moms from the school “This woman must be a shit show, can’t hold her marriage or even dress her kid to school.” See what’s happening here? There’s no out, no win, but if you really analyze, that also never happened, it is legit a scenario in my own head! So, I am overwhelming myself and the one to blame. Ok, so now what? Because that too me sounds like victim and I judge and tear that apart too…

Breathe! Just breathe. Days like that I’m thankful for lorazepam, yes, I am glad I’m finding many sources of support, and taking care of my mental health even if sometimes I need a drug to just fire up some neurons and make the right connections.

My psychiatrist talked me to me for a while before prescribing any drugs, to the point that I was like – “OMG, I might need to switch doctors, isn’t a psychiatrist’s job to prescribe you drugs that will help you be less mental?” – well my psychiatrist believes in a holistic approach, he is happy to prescribe drugs, but he is more interested in making people understand that they help but that’s it, they don’t fix, and the results will come from combining mindfulness, self-love, personal development and using the drugs as an aid to help focus on the other areas and then improve. Brilliant isn’t it?! I mean, I have found respect for him, but man, its hard when you’re being pushed. It’s like having the personal trainer yelling at you “one more rep!” when you’re dying, but then you do it, and you feel amazing!

See how everything is connected? I know, and you know, and I can continue and ramble and give all examples and epiphanies I’ve had throughout this journey, but doesn’t add any value, although it validates. But the bottom line here is – we can continue looking for answers, for a simple formula, blue pill that will make everything happen and it just doesn’t exist!

What exists is hard work and struggles. The story will be the same and continue to repeat itself and we will continue to learn, get better, then fail, then try again… just like riding a bike, how many times did you try and fall before you could finally ride on your own? But learning how to ride a bike meant you’d never fall again? And if/when you did fall – did you just give up and never hopped on a bike again? You get the idea, right?

So, it comes down to choices, we make choices at every second, I know I do. So now I just need to keep practicing how to choose. Yes, chose to respond rather than react, breathe rather than freak out, stay in the moment rather than try to fix and control… And just like with everything it’s a daily practice, so I will continue to practice giving myself permission, and for all the ones in the same boat as me, maybe join me? We got this!

2 thoughts on “Give yourself permission

  1. I can totally relate to everything. I analyze and analyze over and over again. I wonder how people will perceive me now that my mast cell disease has progressed they often times see it as laziness. They don’t see the full effects on me. I try my hardest that is all that matters. I take one day at a time otherwise I just become overwhelmed.

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