I just deleted a half page draft that I began writing a couple of days ago… Yep. I realized that I’m kinda in sync with posting here just about once a month, which I initially was planning to set as a recurrence and reminder for myself and never did amidst getting distracted with everything else… and I’m glad turns out it is working out that way anyway.
Now, why did I delete what I began writing a couple of days ago? Because my energy was off and I couldn’t go on to begin with, I kept bouncing and not getting a clear message of what feelings, thoughts and/or conclusions I wanted to relay, because it has been a lot.
I mean, not that this isn’t the case most the time right? At least not for me… there’s always too much going on and I not only feel, but get really affected by the energy going around and what I create really. On my last post here I talked about how I was feeling that this whole pandemic is a chance for us to slow down and “wake up”, focus on the abundance and how much more we can do and live of our lives, and I still believe that thoroughly.
I also believe (and might have mentioned already), that this pandemic is here not only to shift us internally and individually, but also as a humanity while is exposing a lot and showing us plenty of contrasts. Now, it isn’t easy staying in this space, it isn’t easy to simply let go of control, fear and anxiety specially when you become directly or indirectly affected. Since my last post, I have lost my job, and although I knew it was coming, was somewhat prepared and kept the positive perspective – “I’m not alone, this won’t last forever, at least I have measures I can systems that I can rely on to navigate and ride this wave, I have plenty of support, my and my loved ones health is safe, we have alternative and abundance, so everything will be fine.” – It is hard to navigate all the rapid and ever changing information, ideas, opinions, while the energy is heavy and flowing around the current situations and focused on its outcomes – economic, social, political, personal, emotional, physical…
So my energy of course was affected too. I wanted to stay on top of things as much as possible so I would have an opinion and wouldn’t be affected by shared information (which has automatically increased exponentially). All of a sudden the internet and social media became full of experts – immunologists, historians, physicians, scientists, gurus, economists, law makers, enforcers, and your name it! All of a sudden WE HAVE ALL been taken by FEAR! Some fear the disease, some the cure, some “domination”, some being “dominated”, and all of a sudden we are back to Holocaust, Apocalypse, Nostradamus, God, Satan, religion, non-religion, Slavery, freedom, Republic, Federalism, Socialism, Anarchism, Buddhism, EGOTISTIC… you name it…!
And I was right there… I realized I may not be spiritual and/or “awoke” as I thought I might be as I QUESTION and CHALLENGE everything and everyone, in all sides. I can’t believe anyone or everyone is 100% right or 100% wrong at all times, there’s different perceptions, different angles, different personal experiences, feelings, wounds, backgrounds… There’s true and validity to all points of views and opinions, but what is prevailing is FEAR of CHANGE. Fear of interference with the status quo, fear (and feeling) of losing control, stepping out of comfort, of what’s known and that is true to all of US.
We don’t people to die, no one does, but we also don’t want our lives to be changed, we don’t want to feel like we’re giving in and being controlled and complacent either, I get it. But reality is, to some level and some extent, we all are and have been already… but our individual day to day lives had been (to the moment) “untouched” we were OWNERS of our destinies and daily choices and routines, but were we? It is different when so much changed so quickly, collectively, and our individual wants and needs are challenged to a level that we haven’t experienced before… is painful. When you choose to go on a diet, follow a workout regimen, and give up certain habits YOU struggle, but you eventually feel the results and you feel good about it, you feel strong, you grow, you’re acknowledged and you may even influence, motivate and/or inspire other people, but, that was YOUR choice, you’re in control right?! Now, if someone told you, you MUST follow a specific diet, follow a specific workout regimen, and give up certain habits, you will struggle, but you’ll also feel resentful, you will rebel, because you’re being forced to do something that it doesn’t feel good…. so I get it! I am rebellious, have always been, you’re talking to the “watch me!” queen here.
But, yet, I do so much that is required of me because I “have to”, even though no one is forcing me to do per se, but because I know its the right thing to do, so despite all resentment and pain I keep at it, because I know I will harvest the fruits of my efforts. So from that perceptive I don’t understand why we need to politicize, criticize, fight, disagree, compare and RESIST change… And I wonder, where’s the balance? Can we find a happy medium? I’ve seen plenty of polarized and charged posts and discussions in “spiritual” pages, where people should be able to understand and respect people’s opinions, I’ve seen name calling and even been called names by all these “awaken” and “super spiritual” people for having my opinions, thoughts and questions… So I wondered, maybe I am really blind, naive and not “awake” to just take anyone’s word from a Spiritual Facebook group on a topic for face value… or maybe, are they really awaken if they feel so superior about it?!
Anyway, I realized that I was too spending too much time and focus on the FEAR. So I decided to take a break, regroup and focus on meditation, breathing, gratitude, and PURPOSE. This is my chance to slow down, internalize and define what I want and focus my energy towards it, after all, where focus goes, energy flows! So I am focusing even more on what bring me joy, so (once again) I am vowing to practice “letting go”, to continue to work on myself, and pay attention to the messages all around, the contrasts, the lessons and stay in the present, make the most, and find fulfillment despite of external approval and/or validations. I vow to do what feels right to/for me, what sets my soul on fire, what makes me happy and brings me joy, so I can be better, happier and bring joy to others as well.
For today that means, sticking to my workouts, personal development, nutrition and cooking, working on projects (AKA – furniture, crafts and decor) and spending time with my children and that’s what I will continue to focus on!