Healing

Sometimes I wonder if I should add the numerous drafts with my actual posts here… This one is particular took me 6 days and 3 different titles and ideas… insert *face palm* emoji. Anyway, I want to try and stay relevant and write things that resonate with people and help them while helping me process my feelings and emotions, I think deep down it has always been why I always resorted to writing or art as form of expression.

With that said, not here to talk about me although the whole idea for this post started with me feeling hurt, sad, and to be quite frank, enraged! And I wanted to find a way to let these feelings out, but most importantly not make it about “me” but rather, try with it find a way to HELP and HEAL since I will talk about something that shook me to my core.

And yes, I will talk about what happened to George Floyd. I know, it’s been almost a month since his murder, and yes, the media has been blowing this out of proportions (as with everything), and yes, (as with everything) it became political, so I won’t get into specifics, as I believe this is not political but right vs wrong, but the point of this post is not to judge, but to empty my chest and share a perspective I found.

To be honest, I debated sharing or writing about it because, part of me wants to just ignore everything and just keep sending healing vibes to the world and not let the current events interfere with my energy so I can keep emanating good, since I believe we are 90% energy (soul) and 10% matter (body) and we are here with a purpose, we have a soul contract and come into this earth to learn but also teach and help our universe heal and grow collectively and bond ties to God, or source energy in order to transcend into the life we are meant to live. But the other part of me for those very reasons believe that because I am here to bond my ties with God and source energy, I should use my energy for good, healing and justice.

But I get lost and feel so powerless, the 10% of me, the matter, the body, the brain, wants to dig, find answers, poke holes, looks at all sides and perspectives, join a cause, but that part of me also gets heated, angry, emotional, sad, and enraged because I can’t find anything to justify but also I don’t know how to be relevant and truly help and bring about change. What happened was just wrong. And I don’t to just be or sound line the “kooky”, “new agey”, sage smudging and crystal loving chick who hides behind all of it to pretend all is will be well. Do I believe all will be well? Absolutely! But this is not the first or second time I’ve had to witness something like this along my short 36 years on this earth and why I want to get on the same page here (with myself more than anyone probably) that I can do more than just wish and believe things will improve…

I remember my entire life feeling like this to be honest, by witnessing discrepancies and injustices in society, either while seeing a homeless person on the street, a kid bullied at school, having friends of color who were be discriminated against or had a story about it, or learning about it in history class, religion (I went to catholic schools so we studied the Bible), and even experiencing situations myself where I was either discriminated against (I am a woman and that discrimination is still real) or my privilege (clearly) worked to my advantage and still does, and I still feel uneasy about it.

But this time, like many (as we can see), I also felt like – enough is enough! We can’t just accept this for what it is and continue to re-write the same history and make the same mistakes over and over. Then I felt angry and powerless again, I felt overwhelmed and realized that I don’t know how to help. I realized that I am part of the problem too and have always been, so I decided that just like with my fitness and personal development journey I will tackle this day by day and one bite at the time.

This time I want to believe that this happened to bring to the surface all that we’ve been ignoring for too long, and although a tragedy, this can be the chance for us to become united and whole, and together bring real change by remembering that we were created EQUAL. That we all want the same things in life; we all want love, happiness and live a life we can be proud of while creating a legacy for the generations to come, and that’s independent of our skin color, mother tongue, religious background, favorite sports team, musical taste, political party or whatever else WE as HUMANS CREATED to DIVIDE US! We all have flaws, we all have made and still make mistakes everyday, some bad, some worse, some not as bad, but we ALL DO! And none of us have the right to end someone’s live because we “can”. That’s the bottom line, there’s right and there’s wrong but doing wrong doesn’t justify or rectify another wrong.

So I decided to look at his with the lens of healing. Yes, because this has been a wound in society/humanity for too long, a wound that has never healed completely and now it has been re-opened so we can finally stitch it and close it. But healing is also a process, takes time and there’s pain involved and that’s where we are. So, I promise to stay present and informed, but not to a level to affect my energy that I become negative, judgmental and closed. I will remain open, I will treat and heal myself and I will take daily actions in my life so as a member of society I can model and be part of the world I want for me, my children and all lives here on earth.

I will help people in need with what I can – a smile, holding a door open, returning something that I found, respecting people’s boundaries, views, feelings, not engaging in gossip, elevating others, not judging, giving food, clothes, a toy, listening to someone, offering a shoulder, and exercising my rights and duties. But most importantly loving and taking care of myself daily so my glass is full and I can continue to share with the ones in need and I hope with my own actions I can help and make sure that all this pain become a mark in our history and something that we can look back too as another challenge that we overcame and made us more united and stronger.

Energy Flows

I just deleted a half page draft that I began writing a couple of days ago… Yep. I realized that I’m kinda in sync with posting here just about once a month, which I initially was planning to set as a recurrence and reminder for myself and never did amidst getting distracted with everything else… and I’m glad turns out it is working out that way anyway.

Now, why did I delete what I began writing a couple of days ago? Because my energy was off and I couldn’t go on to begin with, I kept bouncing and not getting a clear message of what feelings, thoughts and/or conclusions I wanted to relay, because it has been a lot.

I mean, not that this isn’t the case most the time right? At least not for me… there’s always too much going on and I not only feel, but get really affected by the energy going around and what I create really. On my last post here I talked about how I was feeling that this whole pandemic is a chance for us to slow down and “wake up”, focus on the abundance and how much more we can do and live of our lives, and I still believe that thoroughly.

I also believe (and might have mentioned already), that this pandemic is here not only to shift us internally and individually, but also as a humanity while is exposing a lot and showing us plenty of contrasts. Now, it isn’t easy staying in this space, it isn’t easy to simply let go of control, fear and anxiety specially when you become directly or indirectly affected. Since my last post, I have lost my job, and although I knew it was coming, was somewhat prepared and kept the positive perspective – “I’m not alone, this won’t last forever, at least I have measures I can systems that I can rely on to navigate and ride this wave, I have plenty of support, my and my loved ones health is safe, we have alternative and abundance, so everything will be fine.” – It is hard to navigate all the rapid and ever changing information, ideas, opinions, while the energy is heavy and flowing around the current situations and focused on its outcomes – economic, social, political, personal, emotional, physical…

So my energy of course was affected too. I wanted to stay on top of things as much as possible so I would have an opinion and wouldn’t be affected by shared information (which has automatically increased exponentially). All of a sudden the internet and social media became full of experts – immunologists, historians, physicians, scientists, gurus, economists, law makers, enforcers, and your name it! All of a sudden WE HAVE ALL been taken by FEAR! Some fear the disease, some the cure, some “domination”, some being “dominated”, and all of a sudden we are back to Holocaust, Apocalypse, Nostradamus, God, Satan, religion, non-religion, Slavery, freedom, Republic, Federalism, Socialism, Anarchism, Buddhism, EGOTISTIC… you name it…!

And I was right there… I realized I may not be spiritual and/or “awoke” as I thought I might be as I QUESTION and CHALLENGE everything and everyone, in all sides. I can’t believe anyone or everyone is 100% right or 100% wrong at all times, there’s different perceptions, different angles, different personal experiences, feelings, wounds, backgrounds… There’s true and validity to all points of views and opinions, but what is prevailing is FEAR of CHANGE. Fear of interference with the status quo, fear (and feeling) of losing control, stepping out of comfort, of what’s known and that is true to all of US.

We don’t people to die, no one does, but we also don’t want our lives to be changed, we don’t want to feel like we’re giving in and being controlled and complacent either, I get it. But reality is, to some level and some extent, we all are and have been already… but our individual day to day lives had been (to the moment) “untouched” we were OWNERS of our destinies and daily choices and routines, but were we? It is different when so much changed so quickly, collectively, and our individual wants and needs are challenged to a level that we haven’t experienced before… is painful. When you choose to go on a diet, follow a workout regimen, and give up certain habits YOU struggle, but you eventually feel the results and you feel good about it, you feel strong, you grow, you’re acknowledged and you may even influence, motivate and/or inspire other people, but, that was YOUR choice, you’re in control right?! Now, if someone told you, you MUST follow a specific diet, follow a specific workout regimen, and give up certain habits, you will struggle, but you’ll also feel resentful, you will rebel, because you’re being forced to do something that it doesn’t feel good…. so I get it! I am rebellious, have always been, you’re talking to the “watch me!” queen here.

But, yet, I do so much that is required of me because I “have to”, even though no one is forcing me to do per se, but because I know its the right thing to do, so despite all resentment and pain I keep at it, because I know I will harvest the fruits of my efforts. So from that perceptive I don’t understand why we need to politicize, criticize, fight, disagree, compare and RESIST change… And I wonder, where’s the balance? Can we find a happy medium? I’ve seen plenty of polarized and charged posts and discussions in “spiritual” pages, where people should be able to understand and respect people’s opinions, I’ve seen name calling and even been called names by all these “awaken” and “super spiritual” people for having my opinions, thoughts and questions… So I wondered, maybe I am really blind, naive and not “awake” to just take anyone’s word from a Spiritual Facebook group on a topic for face value… or maybe, are they really awaken if they feel so superior about it?!

Anyway, I realized that I was too spending too much time and focus on the FEAR. So I decided to take a break, regroup and focus on meditation, breathing, gratitude, and PURPOSE. This is my chance to slow down, internalize and define what I want and focus my energy towards it, after all, where focus goes, energy flows! So I am focusing even more on what bring me joy, so (once again) I am vowing to practice “letting go”, to continue to work on myself, and pay attention to the messages all around, the contrasts, the lessons and stay in the present, make the most, and find fulfillment despite of external approval and/or validations. I vow to do what feels right to/for me, what sets my soul on fire, what makes me happy and brings me joy, so I can be better, happier and bring joy to others as well.

For today that means, sticking to my workouts, personal development, nutrition and cooking, working on projects (AKA – furniture, crafts and decor) and spending time with my children and that’s what I will continue to focus on!

Awakening

Its been a minute and my mind has been spinning with all I’ve been wanting to let out and I have been losing track (as usual), but looking at my trend here, looks like I’m on track with one post a month(ish).

With that said, I really do believe I’m not the only one shifting and feeling the abundance of energy, change and being impacted by the fast pace of life . I mean, we’re 3 months into the new year and sometimes almost feels like a decade already… so many things happening every second… And not that this is different, I really don’t think so, but I do think we are so connected that the scale is that much higher.

As always with everything in life we are given choices, and I am choosing faith and hope, I am surprisingly enough at peace (for the most part) with everything that is happening. This pandemic really came to shift everything and bring us all to a new level, and honestly I think we really needed.

As society we became contradictory: we are connected and long for touch, we are so close and yet so far apart, we share every aspect of our lives yet we’re self centered, we want love but only our way, we give so we can receive, we want peace but we judge… And those contrasts show more each day, but one thing that I’ve always said (to myself and the ones close to me at least) we all push each other away and focus on the superficial differences, the image, when deep down we all want love, connection, respect, shelter and safety, and that’s really all we need.

But as a species we are greedy, we need more, always more, we deplete all resources around us then we move the target as we climb the never ending ladder of life… we do with our personal goals, our career, money, love, and everything we touch. We trespass boundaries but we want OUR boundaries to be respected. As we made and keep making discoveries one thing becomes clearer to me, we are constantly looking to and for control. We want to control time, aging, feelings, emotions, life, death and most important: Nature. And why? Because we FEAR, we can’t trust that what we want and need will be there for us, so we need to plan, scavenge, hoard, deplete…

For as far as I’ve been alive, which honestly is not a long time I’ve seen enough proof that we will never be able to control nature’s course and power, and this pandemic is yet another proof of that. The universe and earth are ready for a shift and Source Energy is here to teach us (yet) another lesson. We are vulnerable, and more so when we’re so divided, selfish and angry. Our greed blinds us, and all of a sudden the consequences of our selfish actions catch up to us and chaos ensue.

So I believe that today more than ever is time for us to pause, breath and look around us, we have plenty, individually and as a society, but we need to be willing to share. I didn’t stock pile on anything – toilet paper, food, hand sanitizer… but I was able to share with ones who were working and contributing to society (while a few savages hoarded supplies) and couldn’t make to the store on time… I am grateful that with all horrible things happening all around I am safe and sound sheltered in the comfort of my house with my loved ones around me, and while I am able to work from my pajamas if I so choose, there are people out there – essential workers – risking their lives (once again) so I can have all I need and some.

So I will continue to be grateful for being so blessed and privileged and I will elevate my thoughts, feelings and prayers to those people and all HUMANITY, so we can get through this – WE WILL, but that we can course adjust and LEARN from it. I will pray that we can become more conscious and share more, work together more, as it is more evident now (than ever perhaps) that WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER, we are all vulnerable and can’t control anything that happens to us and around us, we are one second away from everything as we know changing forever, so we MUST make the most of every second.

I now get that life has actually been preparing me all along, and am thankful for that. Today my heart is full and at peace, I don’t need to blame, shame, change people’s minds or opinions, I don’t need to FEAR as once again I am being giving everything that I want/need and some it has been the same all along and I truly believe it will be the same even if I’m not materialized in this body I wear now. And yes, this may sound like a bunch of baloney, but I can’t control people’s views, onions, interpretations, but I can only hope that my feelings and HOPE for peace and the rainbow at the end of this storm can resonate with someone somewhere, and they can feel relieved and then elevate their energy, because if we all focus on the positive and vibrate higher it will be easier for us to get through this. If we focus on the solution and not the problem, if we envision ourselves living the life we want once this is passed and behind us…

With that, I will go and conquer another day, I will work, I will do my best and then I will sew face masks for donation to all workers in need of them now because if there’s anything I can do to help, I will!

Give yourself permission

I have been totally stuck! Yep, spiraling and giving into every single distraction under the sun and overthinking and overwhelming myself to oblivion, I’m really good at that you know…

But when I created this page, I had in mind to be a place where I can just be me, raw, and share the real journey in hope that people would relate and feel better about themselves or not alone at least. Because I know I am not alone! I know that deep down majority of us are here not only trying to survive but deep down trying to make the best of it.

Then I catch myself starting and stopping, then starting, then stopping… “Who’s gonna read this crap?”, “Doesn’t even make sense”, “Who cares that you’re overwhelmed… we all are, where’s the value here?”, “We are all busy, no one has time for your ramble”.

Now, imagine thinking and overthinking every damn step you take in your life, every task, every action, reactions, possibilities, people’s potential perceptions, outcomes, what will you do in every scenario, but not only for plan A, but for B and C as well and of course always be prepared for the worst possible scenario… Again, pretty sure I’m not alone here.

So, I’ve been trying to do the logical, which is – practice what I’m learning. And that is the real challenge. Going through life and taking the hits, wishing for more or better, “trying” our best while just plugging along inside our comfort zones its what we do and have been doing, and as hard or painful as it is, we are used to it, so we take it!

It’s painful because it means dropping balls, letting go of control, having to sit still and be ok with not responding to a message, or arriving late at work, or missing an event at the kids’ school, or even dropping them off on pajamas one day because you decided that day you would not scream and yell and then have a panic attack and feel like a bad mom for traumatizing your kids and wanting to quit,  because now you’re dropping them off at school and everyone’s day is shitty. They have been crying, you’re crying, but you need to look composed and presentable for your first meeting of the day, while you repeat to yourself – “It’s just too fucking much! That’s not what I signed up for!”

It’s also painful because you have to sit still and let go of the flip side, after all you’re the single mom dropping your kid off on his pajamas and you can hear some of the snooty moms from the school “This woman must be a shit show, can’t hold her marriage or even dress her kid to school.” See what’s happening here? There’s no out, no win, but if you really analyze, that also never happened, it is legit a scenario in my own head! So, I am overwhelming myself and the one to blame. Ok, so now what? Because that too me sounds like victim and I judge and tear that apart too…

Breathe! Just breathe. Days like that I’m thankful for lorazepam, yes, I am glad I’m finding many sources of support, and taking care of my mental health even if sometimes I need a drug to just fire up some neurons and make the right connections.

My psychiatrist talked me to me for a while before prescribing any drugs, to the point that I was like – “OMG, I might need to switch doctors, isn’t a psychiatrist’s job to prescribe you drugs that will help you be less mental?” – well my psychiatrist believes in a holistic approach, he is happy to prescribe drugs, but he is more interested in making people understand that they help but that’s it, they don’t fix, and the results will come from combining mindfulness, self-love, personal development and using the drugs as an aid to help focus on the other areas and then improve. Brilliant isn’t it?! I mean, I have found respect for him, but man, its hard when you’re being pushed. It’s like having the personal trainer yelling at you “one more rep!” when you’re dying, but then you do it, and you feel amazing!

See how everything is connected? I know, and you know, and I can continue and ramble and give all examples and epiphanies I’ve had throughout this journey, but doesn’t add any value, although it validates. But the bottom line here is – we can continue looking for answers, for a simple formula, blue pill that will make everything happen and it just doesn’t exist!

What exists is hard work and struggles. The story will be the same and continue to repeat itself and we will continue to learn, get better, then fail, then try again… just like riding a bike, how many times did you try and fall before you could finally ride on your own? But learning how to ride a bike meant you’d never fall again? And if/when you did fall – did you just give up and never hopped on a bike again? You get the idea, right?

So, it comes down to choices, we make choices at every second, I know I do. So now I just need to keep practicing how to choose. Yes, chose to respond rather than react, breathe rather than freak out, stay in the moment rather than try to fix and control… And just like with everything it’s a daily practice, so I will continue to practice giving myself permission, and for all the ones in the same boat as me, maybe join me? We got this!

’tis the season…

I started this post on Christmas eve, wondering who remembers being all excited about this day and the day(s) ahead? And yet, I had to stop because one thing came up, that led to another and another and here I am, 4 days later finally getting through it. After all, ’tis the season for “sorry, been so crazy with Christmas and all…” isn’t it? Yep! But if I’m gonna be 100% honest, I kinda remember when I used to get all excited about Christmas eve, but as I grew up it became more of an anxiety trigger. And that’s because the magic kinda goes away once you start noticing all the contrasts and nuances and see the items and commitments in your “To do” list pile up. At least that’s how it has been for me.

Christmas became a mix of feelings and emotions, a lot of running around, shopping, wrapping, cooking, make sure everyone is happy, all wishes are fulfilled and everything is perfect, when we were supposed to be celebrating life and preparing for new cycles. But the demands of society and life become overwhelming… And how do you shift the focus, embrace the chaos and most importantly, stay in the moment?

I don’t know, but I have been committed to trying at least, to do my best one day at the time, and yes, anxiety still consumes me at times, but I try to appreciate the moments each year and really focus on the good feelings, on the excitement of my children as they wake me up early on Christmas morning and jump up and down when they realize that Santa came by and open their gifts in ecstasy! I don’t want them to ever find out that Santa doesn’t exist, I don’t want that magic to ever go away… I bust my butt everyday for moments like those, and I want to always be able to provide that kind of magic. Feels amazing doesn’t it?

However, I can’t help but notice that I’m not alone and how many people are have a hard time getting in the “Christmas Spirit”. I’m sure it is due to all the ups and downs and curve balls they have been throughout the year, and while the year its almost ending and this is the time to celebrate and gather, we still have to work, pay bills, clean, cook, do groceries, buy gifts, wrap them, organize, look perfect and have all details lined up to impress and entertain… Except that all the above equals to a long list of tasks and not enough hours in a day to get through it, even worse while you trying to get ahead and have too much month at the end of the money… add personal and family situations and yes, you have the perfect recipe for disaster.

Makes for another holiday that just goes by and you go on, back to the hustle and another, and start all over again. Easy to feel defeated and start questioning everything by looking through these lenses right?! Well, tell you what, it’s easy for me to get caught in all of that too. This year in particular has been really hard, full of extremes and a hell of a roller coaster, but you know what?! I am totally enjoying the ride. Yes, because despite all the hardships things are actually working out for the best!

I felt extra special and actually free when I finished wrapping all the Christmas gifts I bought, yes, and that’s because I paid for all of it in cash! This is the first time in probably forever that I won’t be paying for Christmas in the first few months of the year. This is entire year I have been able to pay for all my monthly expenses in cash, I may not be making a huge head away towards paying my debts YET, but for the first time in forever, I haven’t been digging myself further and using credit cards to float the month left at the end of my paychecks! And its feels freeing and amazing, yes, I’m dead tired, I’m working two jobs while taking care of the kids, my house and everything in between, yes, some days I want to quit, but mostly I’m being able to celebrate every victory and be thankful for all resources available to me, all the lessons, and all the motivation keeping me focused on my journey!

When I received notice that I was being laid off in Nov. 2018 I panicked. It had been already difficult and as I mentioned, I have been digging myself into credit cards to be able to float my survival needs since my paychecks didn’t cover all, how would it be unemployed? Or what if I didn’t find anything making as much? What if I couldn’t keep my house, my car payments, my basic survival needs… what if I lost my children for not being able to support and provide for them? Of course I knew this wouldn’t happen, of course I knew I’d pull it off, but its impossible not to think of the worst case scenarios… at least not when you’re me, and specially when you’re a mother.

So I did what I know, I kept my chin up and kept going! I prayed for light, focus, strength and protection. I prayed for guidance and support and I felt my guides and angels around me, I felt my grandparents with me all the way through, helping me all the way from Heaven! I embraced every moment with my children, I decided to create as many memories and soak up the time we had together because I knew that once I got into a new job and a new routine it would be gangbusters and I didn’t want to feel like I missed out on anything… (Let’s face it, I would give the world to be able to work 6h a day, while they’re in school and be able to be available for them while creating memories and watch them grow, and although today this is not my reality, that’s my ultimate goal. Yes, I will have my cake and eat it too! Call me entitled, I don’t care, but I’m not, I’m busting my butt and I will EARN it!)

That said, I started a side hustle while applying for jobs daily! I dialed back and created a routine that would be my routine regardless of the job I ended up lending. I was up early, I had my morning coffee in silence and peace (I’m not really a morning person, and appreciate silence in the first hours of the day), I meditated, prayed, did my workout, and listed my main 3 goals for the day. I got the kids up, fed them a nice breakfast, dropped them at the daycare and came back to my desk. I would apply for jobs, respond to emails, do paperwork and follow ups, schedule my interviews and prepare accordingly, while focusing on personal development – books, podcasts, therapy… – then I worked on materials and advertising for my business, I prospected and talked to people, started to make traction and work, would fulfill those commitments and took lots of time to work on a hobby which made me quite a bit of money too. I picked up pieces of furniture for free, refurbished and sold them. Time management, that’s something I always needed to to and focus on and still perfecting.

But that discipline is crucial, prioritizing actions and putting the work are the only ways to success, and I kept doing it, consistently and little by little things started to fall into place, I didn’t feel useless or hopeless, I knew I would reap the fruits, even if took time! Of course there are still wind, and rain, and I’m still working on my fields daily, my crops are still growing, some don’t look as healthy as others, but I’m definitely making progress, and this Christmas season has been nothing but validating, it has been extra joyful as I felt even more proud of my choices and my efforts and now I have even new perspectives and new things to continue to work on and align, and I can’t wait for another year to continue working on it daily!

So I hope everyone, despite all, had a great Christmas and are getting ready for another new year filled with blessings as we enter another decade and definitely a new cycle!

Call it what it is

Anxiety, ADHD, OCD… so many labels… hard for me specially to accept and embrace. I am no the one to jump into labels or judgments and that’s because my mind goes into the negative, and I do all I can all the time not to be negative, that has been me, my entire life.

And learning the nuances, fine lines and most importantly silver linings has been key on my journey and breakthroughs. I hate being vulnerable, but who doesn’t. So, to me accepting and embracing my conditions shows weakness, lack of competence, structure, follow through, reliance… But does it really? Or is it me projecting my fears of what I believe people may or might think of me?

So, bottling up ends up being easier right?! Until it isn’t… until you see yourself feeling pressured because of all the standards we set to ourselves. Then you either implode or explode and none of the options produce good outcomes, specially on the ones around us. I know, I have done it over and over… I was doing again this morning.

I was almost turning my selfcare routine into a chore and punishment – “ I need to meditate, connect to source, do my gratitude routine, do workout X, then need to post Y, I need to participate in Z, inspire people, then shower, get ready, get the kids ready, take care of the dog, get gas in the car, air in my tires, bring in the garbage bins and clean the dishes so I don’t get triggered when I come back home later, and do it all timely so I can I be at the office on time for my first meeting of the day with my manager”

That’s my brain all day, every day, all the time… Plus all the other tabs that keep popping up as I notice a different colored squirrel climbing a tree while I’m driving, or get mesmerized by how the sun hits the snow and sparkle and thank God for nature, and for how privileged I am. Then I remember I need to wrap all the Christmas gifts and hide them, do groceries, catch up on laundry while I don’t know where the music is coming from… Meanwhile, I’m worried that if I really don’t do all of that, and if my brain doesn’t stop spinning and if I really don’t focus things could get worse add the financial responsibilities and stress in the mix. By then my heart is pounding hard, my breath is fast, I’m getting dizzy, and feel like I could literally faint at any moment, I hold back tears and just makes me want to give up, throw my hands up in the air, walk away and QUIT!

You guys just read what living with anxiety, ADHD and OCD looks like. Yet I receive plenty of compliments from people – “You’re so positive”, “You’re so centered”, “You really got you shit together”, “You inspire me” … I appreciate it so very much, but if there’s one thing I don’t have, is my shit together, not I don’t. When I receive messages like these I want to go “Man, I’m really wasting my time and potential, I should be in Hollywood making a boat load of money if I can act this well…” but I also feel humbled and most times get tear eyed as I remember – this is validation!

So today, instead of doing workout x, I started with Yoga, I love the reminders I get throughout the practice about how important it is to control our breath and quiet our minds, no, didn’t make the chaos go away, but did make me sweat, stretch my muscles and tendons that were in desperate need for it and definitely got the blood pumping in my body and made me feel good that I still took the time for ME. Then I got ready and got the kids ready, took care of the dog, didn’t do the dishes or brought the garbage bins inside… But, didn’t lose my shit! I did text and got support from people in my support system, I did make an appointment with my therapist, made it to work and to my meeting with time to spare, was blunt honest with my manager instead of fluffing things up and he not only welcomed my updates, I now will work from home a half day on wed to accommodate to my mental health appointment, and have off the entire next week!

Yes, life is challenging but I’m really am making the most of while learning to navigate all, and what truly helped me was embracing and accepting. Being real and honest like I always been with everyone else, but this time with MYSELF. And accepting that showing weakness is sign of strength. The shit show is nothing but white noise to put things in perspective and help recognize the actual contrasts and achievements!

Life doesn’t have to be perfect, it just has to be REAL and HONEST! And I have been living it to the fullest since I became honest and real with myself. Yes, I do take medications to help, yes, I do see a therapist and psychiatrist on a regular basis, yes, some days are tougher, yes, I do need lists, calendars, reminders and some days I don’t get through all of them and forget to start the dryer and have to re-wash that load when swapping loads… but everyone still has clean clothes, I still am managing a house, a career, children, a dog, while building my side hustles and re-building my life including financially, not to mention I have the BEST and strongest support system ever, because I do allow myself time for real and intense connections with people and am not afraid of being raw and honest with them either.

So if you haven’t yet, I strongly advise you get in touch with the person in the mirror, make amends with you past and mistakes, accept and embrace, seek and accept help, share your fears, shed the tears… It’s not easy, not in the slightest, but completely WORTH IT!

And there it goes, a decade…

I’ve been thinking a lot about the past 10 years, after all, we are 3 weeks away from starting a new year, but not only that, we are wrapping up a decade!
I think last time I really paid close attention to this was at the Millennium, remember? 1999 into 2000!

Yes, I was a free spirit then, still loud, but free. I was in high school, super in sync with the world, news, reading a lot of philosophy, psychology, science, trends, business, politics while discussing with like minded friends over joints, cigarettes, drinks… I was always traveling, camping, going to parties, exploring… while also pursuing an Associates degree in conjunction with my high school diploma so I could enter the career force and become independent as quickly as possible.

Yep, the first 20 years of the Millennium have been a blur… But the past 10 years though, they have been significant and extra special. And are legitimate closing a circle, at least for me. So yes, I have been paying extra attention to this lately.

For the past 10 years particularly I’ve felt lost, out of touch and couldn’t help but ruminate the thought that I had just became everything I promised myself I wouldn’t. See, I had big plans and visions for myself. I’ve studied the environment, situations and patterns around me, as well my personal experiences that I vowed to never make the same mistakes again or examples of mistakes people around me made, after all I was a privileged, educated and independent woman, and master of my destiny!

I each day realize more and more that yes, I was and am all of the above, but most of all, I was ARROGANT! Yes, and to this day I can still be and that’s what I’m really uncovering and facing each day as I reconnect with source, my true wishes and desires, and I am having to face myself in the mirror and address the elephant in the room, takes a lot of pain, a lot of growth, but life does teach us. We need to open up to the lessons!

There’s a fine line in between spiritual, intelligent, smart, independent, driven, reliable, hard working, honest, perfectionist… and ARROGANT! Yes, these are all qualities, but they can also be hindering if we continue to display, focus and most importantly PROJECT and EXPECT them from us and others all the time. If we live our lives focusing on these qualities so much that we forget to live and enjoy the moment, they become burdens to us and others. We become slaves to our own moving target and standards, and by default everything else we seek becomes also a moving target. We can never be content and at peace with what we have, and stay still and static in that moment.

And I say this, as I still fight it daily. With social media, the pressures of society become even more apparent and suffocating and it’s the easiest thing to become a dog chasing its tail while trying to juggle everything, specially if your integrity won’t allow you to deliver nothing less than the BEST to all around you… career, peers, partners, children… We need to be smart, funny, witty, fit, healthy, have nice things, travel the world, have beautiful, behaved and smart kids while being loved and having 10 orgasms a day so we can be successful!

Right?! Yes, if your definition of success means draining yourself and giving all your energy to the success IMAGE people will have of you. That’s it, we chase it so much, because there’s so much hurt inside, and instead of healing it, we need to bury with all things exterior, we need to distract, sweep under the rug, so then at least we “ARE” or “FEEL” strong and fulfilled…

Well, these past 1 year in special out everything in perspective for me. I’ve been through a lot the past 10 altogether, but this one was humbling and eye opener. In 2019 alone I:

– lost a job in Feb
– started a new one in Apr
– lost that job in Jun
– dialed in personal development
– connected with source, friends and family
– Celebrated 10yr in the USA
– became a PROUD American Citizen
– launched a side gig that now produces 28% of my monthly income 💥
– participated in a tattoo magazine cover contest and had an outpouring of support and incredible experience despite not winning
– made huge strides in rebuilding my self-confidence
– spent lots of time with my children and made incredible memories with them
– went to Disney World and spent time with my sister and nephews ❤
– became an aunt again
– started a new job
– embraced the contrasts and the blessings from each low and welcomed the lessons 🙌
– made tons of breakthroughs 💪
– I am officially the healthiest I’ve ever been!

I had the rug pulled from under me several times, and we all do in our lifetime, but this time I decided to focus on the LESSON rather than the pain, and what I learned is that I AM in control of all and in control of me. I in some way created some of this situations too. Yes, not my fault companies decided to cut positions and had to let me go, can’t control that… But that’s also GOD and the UNIVERSE showing me that nothing is ever “safe” or “stable” and I NEED to stay humble and focused on my JOURNEY! Everything changes every second. We are only guaranteed today, so let’s focus on what really matters.

And that’s why I created this page, that’s why I am taking care of me first and am unapologetic about it! That’s why I decided to stop being on the way of the things that I truly desire and embrace the downstream*. Life its much easier when you LET GO and enjoy the ride… Here’s to another amazing ride as we move into a new decade!

*check some examples of downstream, I’d focus on the first 3 videos 😉