Now what?! Raise your hands if you got married, had kids and started a family knowing or thinking about the possibility of divorce and was already ready for it?
Yeah, I don’t think any of us did. But it is a choice. A very tough and difficult one, but a choice. And I have to say, now, almost 3 years after my divorce I am finally learning to cope and accept a lot.
I’ve never been the kind who cared much for what people think and their opinions about me really. In my mind everyone is entitled to their opinion and I don’t need to be or look good for everyone at all times… But I am extremely harsh on myself. See, I may say “no” to something or not firm plans so I don’t have to change them, because once I say yes I’m all in! I’ll do everything within my power to honor all my commitments and respect people and people’s times and most importantly feelings… and if I can’t fulfill my commitments I feel disappointed, I go into “I dropped the ball” and it is not a good feeling.
But when I do drop the ball, or if I mess up, I own up to it. I do! And I will try again and will always use my mistakes as a lesson. Am I perfect?! Hell NO! Nor am I looking to be perfect. But if there’s one thing I learned from all the spiritual seeking and digging I did, is that I will always do to others as I want for myself. I will practice what a preach and I will do with honesty and to a fault so I can set the records straight and make it easy for everyone, right?! WRONG!
The more people I know and the more relationships I experience, the more I realize very few people understand those basic concepts. Most people are flat out entitled and all about “Do as I say, not as I do…” Do I want my cake and eat too? Hell yeah, I do! But I do know that it’s not how life works, we have free will, therefore the right to make CHOICES, doesn’t mean you get both! I did have solid examples of people who understood those concepts though, people who always lived up to my expectations and some… unfortunately, when it comes to intimate relationships I keep CHOOSING people who don’t… I mean, they do show up here and there, or for the most part but not consistently enough.
So making that choice was NOT easy, but I am a mother and a role model, remember? I can’t be a raging, resentful woman, crying myself to sleep most nights or a living dead woman walking around and bottling my feelings until I blow up… then things calm down until that bottle is full again…you know the pattern right? I can’t live with someone who calls me the C** word for the most frivolous reason and then look at my kids dead in the eyes and say “Baby, you’re strong, beautiful, loved and you need to love yourself and you CAN’T ALLOW anyone to ever disrespect you!”, or “Baby, you have to treat people with respect, and demand and expect nothing but respect in return, and if someone can’t deliver, you walk away. You do not choose to be around people who disrespect you.” If there’s one thing that I can’t and WON’T ever do is lie to my children. I won’t expose them to details and overshare things they don’t need to partake on, but if they question me, if they have a point, if they are wright and I’m wrong, I won’t hold the truth from them or give them credit where earned or deserved just so I can be right.
So as dark and painful as this entire process has been, as hard as it has been for me to swallow my pride and weight in my options, and give up the life that I was building – the view from my kitchen window and the weeping willows in that gigantic and magical backyard with a pool, or the vision of getting old in that house and hosting my children graduation parties and sending them away on their ways… – Every time (maybe 10x or so, a day) that my kids call me for no reason just to say “Mama, I love you”, or when they tell me I am the best mom ever, or when I hear my daughter tell my son “You know you can trust mama. Mama never breaks her promises.” I feel validated and it is a reminder that I made the right choice.
I have been digging deep inside of me, inside of my wounds, stirring and fighting demons, I had high highs and low lows, I still think I am failing at times (most the time maybe), and I hate having to be away from my children 50% of the time… It’s not easy, it hurts, but hurts less than being untrue to myself and most importantly to my children. Change is hard, staying unhappy is hard, settling is hard, we always need to choose and I did choose my hard. And as much as I HATE being divorced, as much as it sometimes make me feel like I failed, I am learning to be OK with it, and I definitely I own it! Yeah I didn’t want to be “the divorced woman”, I didn’t want anyone to feel bad or sorry for me, I don’t use that as leverage as I heard from someone one day implying that I might’ve just because I got a freebie… and I definitely don’t expect people to feel compassionate or anything, I also don’t care to be judged, it was my choice, I am aware of it.
So I am not posting this here to advertise, entice or persuade anyone to go and get a divorce. NO! I tried fixing my relationship, I truly did, so much so that I came back TWICE even after the divorce! Yes, and some people won’t talk to me because of that too “How can you be so stupid and keep insisting in the same mistakes?” I know, I ask myself the same too, but I do believe in love, in chances, in giving anything and everything until there’s nothing left, so when I look back, I can say that I did try, with all my heart I did. But I am certainly encouraging people to change and do something about whatever is hurting them.
What I want is for people to know and understand that they’re are not alone, ever! And that it is OK for you to fight for what’s is right for you, to seek healing from within and live your best life! My life is far from perfect and I am still trying to figure a ton out, but hey, I DO love my life and I am happy. I owe my happiness to myself, so I can make people happy too, and that’s all I want!